It's odd, this time last year i would never of imagined myself joining a blogging website, i would more of imagined me print screening peoples emotional blogs, printing a stupid amount of copies then sticking them to every piece of bare wall i could find in my school for a joke and watching their face as they realized everybody knew about their ''boyfriends cheating''.
Ahhh my school, at the time it seemed like some sort of palace, my safety net. i knew everyone in my year, or more importantly i knew shit on everyone. That was of course important, if they ever insulted you, you had something to throw in their face, but most of the time we just spread it round for a ''laugh.'' You see this was just part of the normal routine as one of the ''populars.''
Even though, half of us hated each other and divides were found though tout the group it was safety, safety that being the homo i am i had a group, a group that wouldn't let shit happen to me, basically cause the guys who'd give me stick were my friends boyfriends and they knew gay for guy. But over the years i took this new found ''immortality'' to literal, swirled up into my own greatness, happy listening to my own company. Then one day last year, it got to the stage i walked down a corridor, and shouted some abusive comment at this kid, based on her sexuality.
Then for the first time in aslong as i can remember, i stepped back, stepped back from the soacialite world, and analyzesd who i'd become, i literally brokedown, the thought of myself made me feel stupid. It got to the point i'd forggotton who i were, i felt more of a robot, programmed to cause misery and shit to all those deemed ''rejects.''
This is the moment i though ''fuck i need to get out of this shit'' Obviously i couldn't just leave my group , cause i did have some really lovely friends who i love so much, but if i just left, i'd lose everything that seemed so important in my life till then, the instant invites to parties, the moving of children in the corridoors to allow me to pass, if i left literally my whole life would of changed.
Long story short i got out, when GCSE's finished i moved to cirencester college, i've met some wondeurful people who i see as friends for life. All of us come from different backgrounds. What gets me deeply though is that some of my new found friends used to be victems of bullying, the type bullying i used to be such a menace of, with my large black cauldron stirring shitt for a ''laugh'', everything used to be such a fucking ''laugh'' well on my side of the fence.
Talking with some of my friends at cirencester I feel guilty, guilty that i used to be one of those self centred, arrogant, arseholes who would victemize them, again just for a fucking laugh.
One of my dear dear friends has had so much shit happen to them theyve even thought of ending it all. What type of sick fucking minded people would cause people to get to this stage? ill tell you who..me, a year ago..all part of a ''laugh''.
And now i sit here thinking yes ive changed i dont miss the past, when the sick sick truth is i do, i miss being part of some bitchy backstabbing two faced lot, maybe i miss the security? i wish i could use that excuse, but really i just miss being popular, miss everyone knowing my name.
Soemtimes, il lsit there to myself and start bitching to myself about soemone walking past, a complete stranger, but cause shes wearing fucked up tight, shes now classed as okay to ''have a laugh'' about.
I look at my friends though, my cirencester friends, my beautiful fucked up friends ;)
and i realize that whatever my heads saying screaming for me to be a socialite i know that i don't want that, i want to be a better person, thats the reason i moved, and i intend to keep improving, whatever shit it causes in my mind, i look at my friends, i look at my friends who have been bullied and know its worth it for them, they don't deserve the shit they get.
Sorry for such a lengthy blog, i'm also sorry for all the awful spelling mistakes
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